Little has been said admist the Hollywood commotion, though, about my unsuccessful and disastrous marraige to Batman. Yes, I married Batman. It was a small ceremony in a Texas church/mosque/pinball alley just outside of San Antonio, and ashamed as I am to admit it today, I did it to become a U.S. citizen.
Now, for this confession, I risk deportation to my native Al-asaba, Sudan. What would my mother say if I walked through the front door of her hut tomorrow without even have had the time to wash my socks or underwear? She wouldn't be pleased, that's for sure.
But I married Batman. I'm talking about the real Batman, the original caped crusader, the gen-you-ine Mcoy. Holy amount of matrimony. We once tied the knot. The world knows little about this man's grooming habits, his leaving the seat up, his inability to clean the hair out of the drain after a shower. And what he did to the butter! How does a man get ketchup there? Was I wrong to demand a new stick of butter? Or that he clean behind his ears at least? Oye. The smell. And that damn boy wonder. Oh sure, like they were really just vaacuming out the Batmobile. I believe that. What the hell then was Robin doing in his boxers?
After we passed the immigration review and home visit by the INS, I said my farewells to Batman and headed off to Burbank. We were never officially divorced until three years ago, and we did it by way of e-mail through a Mexican on-line service. And although the marraige was for all sakes and purposes long dead, there was still a piece of me that cried out, that longed for a return, a renewal of our failed attempt to start a home together in a world doomed to Penguins, Riddlers, and other goons.
What hurts even more is that I was never offered a role in any of the Batman flicks. Doesn't an ex-spouse get a chance for reconcilliation? Is Batman too big of a superhero that he can't say, "I'm sorry"? All I wanted was the part of the flight attendant. I even memorized the line: "Could you put your tray back into an upright position, please?" Then that scene was cut. The bastards.
Sometimes relationships just end. If I could do it all over, I would. My only plea is that the government doesn't hold it against me for this unlawful union and revoke my right to be an American like anyone else. I have confessed. Forgive me, America.
I wonder if this will hurt my run at the presidency in the year 2000?
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