Who Is Gonzalez?

There has been so much commotion at the Yellow Dog office these past two weeks that I'm afraid our secretary, Gail, may quit. I don't know how much longer she'll work under these conditions for what I pay her: five dollars an hour, a subscription to TV Guide, a a kiss every now and then when no one's looking. I think it's still worth it, but Gail is a Rectatarian, and you know how fussy those people can be.

The response to my call for a new accountant/color coordinator has been overwhelming. E-mail, faxes, and snail mail letters from thirty two states, thirteen countries, and the Mir space station have arrived. Those jokers! A Russian color coordiantor? Pu-lease. I had no idea, though, that there were so many individuals concerned with color coordination and willing to work in an office with a unisex bathroom. I keep the key next to my desk. That way I can keep tabs on who's been writing "Black Sabbath rules!" in the toilet stall. I think it's Ishmail Alexander. He loves that band.

However, the ideas for how to improve the color scheme of this magazine and avoid paying taxes were incredible. Sam Donaldson had such a fantastic plan that we were prepared to raid ABC and snatch him up. Unfortunately, we discovered that the buy out terms of his contract would have required us to provide him with a male prostitute and video tapes of "What's Happening" for the rest of his life. In short, we couldn't afford him.

What we did opt to do, though, is to allow our current accountant/color coordinator, Miss Rice, to respond to our charges. But we received two similiar yet conflicting articles in response to our request, both bearing the same return address and postage stamp. We don't know which is which.

When we tried to contact Miss Rice at her prestigious Atlanta accounting firm where she is a big shot, we were told that she's on a special mission to Zambia. Therefore, we were left with no choice but to run both pieces and let the reader decide. Personally, I am suspicious of both. It is a rare thing when Miss Rice writes something for us and spells every word correctly. It is also strange that she denies being Gonzalez. Just today I received an article from Gonzalez postmarked Zambia. I'm afraid to read it. But I know I'll print it in the next Yellow Dog. Gonzalez will win the Pulitzer one day, and it will be Yellow Dog that will bask in the glorly and fame, the riches, the naked women, the jello. But I digress.

This doesn't mean that the job search is over. Oh no. We still need a reliable accountant who is willing to work for next to nothing but the shere honor of being associated with one of the most respectable journals on the Web and the stand today. So send us your e-mail. And your money. We gotta eat too, you know.

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