ISSUE #9 May 31, 1997

How Much Will It Cost Me?

I've got to do something about my accountant. For the last eight issues, I have placed the name of Debi Rice on the masthead of this publication as being our color coordinator/accountant. Ms. Rice was previously the accountant of the last magazine I published, the infamous New York based Bottoms Up, which to this day is credited with forcing George Steinbrenner to hold a naked baby day at Yankee Stadium. What a time we had that day! The balloons! The diapers! During the time that Ms. Rice worked for Bottoms Up, I must say that she preformed her job at a fairly decent level. We did, however, catch her once in the copy room with her top off. But that's neither here nor there.

The point that I am trying to make here is that although Ms. Rice had no experience in color coordinating and minimal experience in accounting (prior to Bottoms Up she had been a server in a Miami Haagen Daz), I still gave her the top position at Yellow Dog. And today I can honestly report to you, our readers, that Ms. Rice has done no accounting or color coordinating since she took the job.

Just look at the mismatch between blues and greens. The odd fusion of purple. The mix of yellow and mauve. I think I'm going to throw up every time I look at the latest issue. Our design expert, Bobby Iz, is threatening to quit. I just can't allow that! I stole him from Highlights, and he isn't cheap!

Yellow Dog is making major head ways in the field of pop culture journalism. We were the first magazine to report on the Bugsy Bugsy Ice/L.L.X.Y. riff (see this issue for part two of the saga), we sponsored the reunion tour of the Milkman's Other Blues Band (the Jacksonville concert will soon be released on Albino records), and we broke the news on the Kathie Gifford/dirty underpants story. We have our reputation to consider.

So what do I do? I placed a call to her office in a very prestigous Atlanta accounting firm, which will remain unnamed here, and was told that she was busy on the Morgensternberg file. The Morgensternberg file! That was our client! This can't go on forever!

Therefore, I've decided to put out a call for a new accountant with color scheming skills. If anyone cares to do so, they can apply directly to either our Gainesville, Florida or Zirconia, North Carolina offices. We offer a pension plan, profit sharing, a parking spot, and a really cool Yellow Dog coffee cup. Gail, our secretary, will be happy to take your call. She will, that is, if she too hasn't succumbed to the temptation of being naked in the copy room with a copy machine at hand.

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