ISSUE #8 May 12, 1997
As can be expected, the Yellow Dog staff has been completely unsupportive of this personal and grueling decision. Not only do they take offense at me handing out the free literature (brochures, pamphlets, videos) at staff meetings and as they are passing from cubicle to cubicle, but they think that I'm being unfair by declaring the company restroom off limits and a holy shrine. Did I complain when Maurice put that statue of Ganesh in the lobby? Did I criticize Ishmail Alexander for the prayer rugs in the coffee room? Did I prevent Isaac Rosenfeld from putting up that thirteen foot glow in the dark Star of David on the roof? No, no, and no. So why can't I have my declaration of religious faith as well?
The spirit of Rectatarianism invloves a recognition of the gludious maximus, the bum, the anus, the tushy, the tuckous, or as commnly referred to: the butt. Baptists don't drink, Catholics abstain from the usage of condoms, I'm not too sure what Lutherans do, Christian Scientists shun modern medicine, and Rectatarians don't wipe. I'm so glad to have finally found spirituality in this cold, cold world.
The First Rectatarian Church of Gainesville is planning a massive bake sale this weekend. So, I encourage the readers of Yellow Dog to come on out and support our cause. Money earned from the sale will go towards building affordable washroom facilities for the underprivleged of Central America. Yes, I know. There is the sanitary issue when buying baked goods from a religious group that doesn't wipe. But there is no reason for concern. All our bodily fluids are interconnected and one. There's really no harm in a little feces ingestion. My dog, Al's Passion, does it all the time.
I still haven't told my parents. I'm a little afraid at what they might think. To this day, my father hasn't forgiven me for piercing my nipple. And that tattoo of Ricky Ricardo on my ankle didn't help our relationship too much either. But the gospel comes first! A man has to be steadfast to his beliefs even when under the pressure of excommunication by his friends, family, and coworkers. They threw the early Christians to the lions. They poisoned Aristotle. They ridiculed Dukasis for riding in a tank. I can deal with the backlash. Rectatarianism promises us a better world than this one which imprisons our souls. Rectatarianism promises a paradise of bidets, cotton toilet paper, an unlimited supply of newspapers and magazines at an arm's reach, and little animal shaped soap bars that really smell pretty. For all of that, I'm more than willing to put up with this planet's heathens. For all of that, I'm willing to put up with the taunts, being pelted with trash, the anti-Rectalarian grafitti scrawled on my garage door, the harsh editorials in the local paper. I know that a better world awaits me, one where all anal related complexes are equal.
Infidels. The whole lot of you. You'll be sorry.
