Takeover? Take that!

The rumors are true. There is a Yellow Dog takeover in the works. It all started when a group of hotshot investors from the Disney Company approached me in my Gainesville office (just off of 441 north, across from the police station) and inquired about the value of Yellow Dog. Of course, I turned down their lucrative offer to buy out Yellow Dog: its stock options, its holdings in Romania, its greeting card division, its new record label (Joan Jett is our only signing to date). Little did I know that this was only the beginning of a bigger trap set to drive us into the Disney empire.

It turns out that at the same time Disney was talking to me, drinking my espresso, eating my guacomole, the Southern Baptists were also eyeing our little company. Knowing that they couldn't out bid the Disney Company, the Southern Baptists set out on a devious path to push Disney out of the running and drive down anyone remotely associated with the company Walt built. I know: it's hard to believe. But it's true I tell you. It's all so damn true.

By boycotting Disney, the Southern Baptists hoped to cause Yellow Dog's stock to plummet by reason of association. Association? Ok. We also did some skinny dipping in my neighbor, Ted's, pool. But nothing happened! I swear.

Once Yellow Dog's stock prices had dropped signicantly, the Southern Baptists hoped to snatch up shares on the cheap. Then they would control Yellow Dog and turn it into a rag like all their other holdings: Soap Opera Digest, Welter Weights, and GQ. So far, Yellow Dog stocks have remained stable in spite of the boycott. Hell, they've even gone up a bit. They're now at five dollars a share. That's a vast improvement from the seventy five cents a share they were at last year at this time. Of course, we only had Maurice on staff back then. We're not worried. We are confident that we can hold off this hostile takeover. Neither Disney nor the Southern Baptists will get Yellow Dog. On that I give my word as publisher.

But what we are asking is that our readers help us fend off these beasts. We need you to buy Yellow Dog shares. At five dollars a piece, they're still a bargain. Arbor Day is coming up. Then Labor Day. These shares make great gifts. Take ten. Fifteen. Ok, twenty.

In the meantime, I have sworn to myself never to invite a member of the Disney Company over again. Those guys. One of them had stepped in doggie doo doo before he came by. I still can't get the smell out of my office nor my coffee. Or is that me? Where the hell did I put that deodorant anyway?

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