How can you say that I've done no color coordinating or accounting at Yellow Dog? Just look at my work. Who do you think is responsible for matching the fuzzy toilet seat cover to the Mr. T shower curtain? And what about the rainbow curtains that accent the red bow in the Hello Kitty throw rug so perfectly? Do you think these things just came to be all on their own? No, it was my hard work and planning that made this office what it is.
As for the accounting, you'd be in financial ruin without me. I was the one who implemented the Johnson equation in all the satellite offices and monitored the compliance of the sectional regulations pursuant to the techinical code imposed on corporate entities functioning as systematic non-governmental institutions. So there.
What would you have done without me? This is all Maurice's doing. He's been plotting for months to get back at me because I refused to go along with the marriage he arranged between me and his cousin Ahmed, a bedouin who runs a small restaurant in Dahab, Sinai called The Blue Hole. Who was he kidding? Did he really think I'd be eager and willing to marry a man who shares his bed with a camel and smells like a seventh grade boy's gym socks? Give me a break. Maurice is just pissed because Ahmed is on his case, wanting back the color TV and food dehydrator he gave Maurice as a down payment. We're talking about the super deluxe dehydrator too. The one they show on the infomercials. It turns jelly into fruit roll-ups, grapes into raisins, and makes the finest beef jerky around. Even better than the local boys at the Wooly Worm festival just outside Zirconia, North Carolina. You can see why he's so ticked off.
But this whole thing's a scam I tell you. As for the Morgensternberg file. . . well, that's just going to have to remain confidential for national security purposes. There's nothing I can do to change that. And as for Maurice, I'd question his abilities as staff hairsytlist. I didn't want to say anything to hurt his feelings or anything, but as long as we're cutting right to the chase, your hair's not looking too pretty lately.