Yellow Dog: Mr. De Frog. Or Kermit, if we may.
Kermit: Jesus. This place stinks.
Yellow Dog: Ahem. Yes. Please excuse the mess. It appears that our hair stylist had a little party last night and threw up on some of the computers.
Kermit: What the hell's wrong with you people?
Yellow Dog: Kermit, if you could just clear up for our readers, what happened with Liz and the baloney incident?
Kermit: It was Liz's fault. Piggy was in the shower, and I was making the sandwich. Next thing I know, Liz is attacking Piggy with an Oscar Meyer the size of a Louisville Slugger. Let me tell you, it was ugly. But hey, this is off the record. Don't print this.
Yellow Dog: Of course not. We're professionals.
Kermit: Anyway, I'd rather talk about my new movie, "Rectal Massacre." It's with Billy Dee Williams and the lady who played Mrs. Roper.
Yellow Dog: Groovy.
Kermit: There's this great scene where Mrs. Roper is trapped in a sewer, and I have to rescue her in my underwear. Of course, she's not called Mrs. Roper. I think her name is Big Mamma.
Yellow Dog: What about Piggy? Will you two get back together?
Kermit: There's a lot about Piggy that the public doesn't know about. The betrayal with Steve Martin during The Muppet Movie. The fetish with oreo cookies. The fact that she's Jewish.
Yellow Dog: This brings up the anti-semitism question.
Kermit: I'd rather not get into that.
Yellow Dog: Kermit, has the Academy ignored you?
Kermit: Listen, I'm not one to bad mouth the academy, those bastards. But the work I did in The Muppets Take Manhatten was some of the hardest work I ever did in my life. I had to share a trailer with Dr. Teeth and the guy walked around naked all day. I almost died. The horror. The horror.
Yellow Dog: Will there be another Muppet movie?
Kermit: I doubt it. My heart's not in it anymore. If the money was right, maybe. If Raquel Welch would agree to be my love interest and do a shower scene with me, yes.
Yellow Dog: Do you feel that the Muppet madness that shook the 80's is over?
Kermit: The 80's were a great time. Pat Benatar. Reagan. Qualudes. We were stars. But we've moved on to other things. Fozi's working as an assistant to Regis. Scooter's a male dancer. Beaker has had bit parts on Seinfeld, Family Matters, and that show with the lesbian. But I don't think the Muppet madness will ever end. Not as long a simple frog can sing and dance his way into the hearts of millions.
